Are you fu*kin kidding me?!

 

This is currently the 323rd day of 2013. My current state is a life (in all it's entirety) of muddled disarray. What did I truly accomplish this year? Yea, I'm bombarded by a sea of shit I did, but I can't name a single deed that made my life. Or brought a sense of living for that matter. My exsistence is a constant, depressing version of a movie that I hate watching, yet it's the only one I own.This scares the shit out of me. The reality is that days can zoom by so fast, only to take u on a trip to nowhere. The time itself is the only proof that life is still moving. However, I've never been a believer in time wasted. Even with the crushing realization that I have: squandered a year of my life working at a place that sucked the soul from me, participated in the slow degradation of all of my important relationships, while also suffering health, financial free fall, and emotional turmoil to boot. Yep. I'm just a ray of sunny delight here. 

However, even through all that, I'm still here. Blessed, with the bare necessities of life and the chance to do it better this time. Some people don't have that much. Shit, indeed, could be worse.

What took 323 days to happen, took a calendar and an instant to wake my zombiefied ass up. How long will it take to reverse the damage? That's unknown, but I'm in this life regardless. I have the (metaphoric) balls to admit I was a player and causer of where my life is at its present. Only I can really change where it will go from here. And moving forward, these balls of mine will grow, along with my courage. I will make better.

Yes, this has been, for its majority, a suck ass year. But I still have 42 days left to go forth and kick some major ass. I'm the only hero in this movie damnit.....

Embrace the rain, the sun will rise soon...

 

If I were to ask you, if you like to receive bad, uncomfortable news. News that completely rocks you to the core, I'm sure you would look at me like an idiot. No one likes to feel hurt, pain, confusion. Sucky feelings suck. If we could live a life of complete ignorant bliss (and some of us do), we would all be giddy robots with a dumb ass grin forever plastered on our face. But we aren't robots and we all have a myriad of emotions, some not so nice. In the words of N.E.R.D. "Sooner or later, it all comes crashing down". Nothing stays pretty forever. Be it looks, relationships, or that old chaos filled brain of ours. 

Call me crazy, but I accept those down times. In all my emo glory, I actually welcome it. We are meant to experience life in all of its weird, fu*ked up, beautiful nature. We are suppose to fall all the way down, feeling the cracked pavement of hard knocks street. Because that's how we begin to appreciate life at its core. We make it through and all of a sudden, that sun is a bit brighter. That pain is a tad easier to bear each day. And when those blessings start to roll in, you are truly thankful for them. You relish in them, because you know they won't last forever. See, even a pessimistic hermit can look on the bright side! 

So that's my challenge for us. To recognize when we are experiencing those tough times, travel through any and all waves of emotions that are placed in our path. Entertain any thought, from denial towards acceptance. And shed it all once your done. You will be surprised how lighter your heart fills when you chose to lift that boulder of your past from it...

Be Your #1...

I'm on a mission. A mission to be better than I was today, tomorrow. I know, I sound like a damn infomercial. But it's true. I tend to dwell. I'm a dweller in the land of negativity. I always remember, with such vividness, the shit that went wrong. But the good things? Well, they remain clouded by the bullshit. Its time to do something different. To make a conscious decision to be better. To take care of oneself the way we do others. And I no longer feel that's selfish. I use to believe that putting my needs above those I love is the most selfish thing I could do. But now that I reflect, not putting my needs in the forefront has left me picking dust off my face. Because while I'm worrying about everything and everybody else, my needs are leaving me on the side of the highway. And who's come to save me? Anybody? Nope still here. 

So it's taken my entire life, all 27 years of it, to realize that I must be tended to. Because if I don't, no one will. 

So here's my mission (join me if you are moved to). To stop being a people pleaser and conclusion jumper. To make my needs among the most important, and to take damn good care of me. That isn't impossible, its vital to our personal happiness. And don't we all deserve a lil slice of that?... 

Here's to Entry One (And I'll drink to that...)

Their is always a sense of fear when deciding to bare your soul online (Well bare anything for that matter). Any writer knows the ramifications of such efforts. Being invisible is one. The other, being despised. Thats why it’s taken me almost ten years to do this. I’ve always love to write. And put a topic of theatre, movies, music and fashion in my face and I’m all on it. But to actually put it into the world for others to judge can be intimidating. But what tha hell?! Videos about “sitting on the toilet” are getting a million hits, what do I really have to lose? 

The basics? I’m a 27 year old, grad student. An african american female (cue the sad violin), I grew up with very little money or resources. However, Adversity didn’t equal impossibility to me, so i didn’t stop when someone said I couldn’t. I share a b-day with Oprah so I actually feel a tad unproductive. A Bachelors degree? PLEASE. I’m trying to get to the, “you get a car” status, and I’m a few billion behind schedule. 

Ask me of my loves? I could quickly name music by Kings of Leon, Jeff Buckley and Tupac in the same sentence. If we are discussing fashion I will swoon over the style of Ms. Hepburn, Dandridge & Hayworth respectively. You may look at me sideways when talking movies, I will recite Pulp Fiction credits to credits, then skip to Dirty Dancing. And please don’t start me up on makeup (I will never stop!), Nars? MAC? Oh how i love thee? Let me count the ways! 

What can I say, when I love, I love hard. I’m a romantic like that. 

I plan for the blog to be a fusion of all the things above plus more. We will be a little random at times, but that’s life right? I wanted to start blogging for many reasons, and at the top of that list is accountability. I tend to procrastinate my ass off, and by feeling I’m reaching anybody that can relate, I’m not so alone in this. It won’t always be pretty, especially when I start exercising and eating healthy (please turn off the psycho theme!). But it will always be 100% me. Happy b-day AJBordeau, here’s to many more…